By Helen Visarraga and Pug Kikuchi
“Shadows and rainbows dance together when we view all of our lived experiences as a tapestry that we have knowingly or unknowingly woven all along”
— Helen Visarraga
“We shall not cease from exploring and the end to our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know that place for the first time.”
— T.S. Elliot
Our experiences within our family systems last forever. Not only from our family of origin, but other families that become part of our lives as we grow up, marry, have children, get divorced, have step children, and so on. ...
Pug and I have decided to share our memories with family and friends with whom both of us and/or each one of us individually still share a close meaningful relationship. Although everyone may not know me like Pug does, we are both trusting that you will understand the amazing friendship that we have shared with one another for fifty-six years. Our friendship started in 1964. I don’t remember if I met Pug before or after I married Jack, one of her younger brothers. We were married when I was twenty-one. I am now seventy-seven. “My how time flies when you are having fun.” During all of that time, Pug has not only been my friend; but has been more like a loving sister.
The year is 2020. A time of huge change in our world. The Coronavirus is spreading across the globe. The nation is up to 250,000 plus deaths with more expected. On a national level, our government is divided between science and politics. Our schools are struggling with how to teach children without subjecting them to further community spread of the virus. There are others who don’t seem to care by following political leaders that are, for the first time in history, against science. Since February of this year, the Coronavirus has brought sickness, death, and the need to change our lifestyles considerably. Senior citizens are among the higher risk population. We are needing to hunker down without much socializing until a vaccine or anti-viral becomes available.
“Shadows and rainbows dance together when we view all of our lived experiences as a tapestry that we have knowingly or unknowingly woven all along” — Helen Visarraga
However, hope is on the horizon. With the 2020 national election shifting to a leader who does believe in science, many people who are the most vulnerable are truly celebrating the hope of a new tomorrow where we might be able to live out our lives without fear of dying before our time due to the virus.
Meanwhile, knowing that we choose to use our knowledge, wisdom, and experience to listen to the scientists that have our health in mind, my dear friend Pug and I (while being shut down) have decided to spend time recollecting stories and events from some of our lived experiences that we want to share with all of you.
By “lived experiences” I mean those experiences that we have already lived through like all of our past up to the present moment. Another word for it is simply “the past” or, another perspective is what I call “dead images.” An example of a lived experience is whatever you are living through right now. Tomorrow you won’t be living this same experience, but you will remember it. Although it is not actually happening right now, a past experience can be made to come alive by our thoughts, emotions and imagination. Or, simply through our memory.
In spite of the fact that I was raised in a family of limited financial means with parents that were not college educated; but taught all of us to work hard and go to school, I jumped at the opportunity to pursue a graduate degree in Social Work. I was forty-five when I graduated with a Master’s degree plus two years post graduate work to become a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. I remember friends commenting. “Why are you going to back to school at your age? You will be forty-five when you graduate.” My response was. “I will be forty-five anyway, with or without a degree.” For the past thirty years I have used my knowledge in my chosen career to understand my own life experiences in relationship to what so many people like to label functional and dysfunctional families. Through my work in the world, I have helped countless others to do the same.
What I have gleaned from my understanding is that our subconscious minds record everything that we experience in life. It is the basis for how we form beliefs about our past, present, future and the environment in which we live; whether in the past, now, or in the future. All of our experiences are images stored in the subconscious mind. When we recall a past event, there are usually thoughts and/or emotions attached to the memory or to the images in our minds. It doesn’t matter if the event was happy, sad, fearful, hurtful, etc.
The key to developing our awareness is to see those lived experiences from a new lens. One of understanding vs. judgment, of curiosity not criticism, of forgiveness not anger, and one of learning not regretting. It is toward this end that Pug and I have shared with one another what we write here. I will give a brief account of my relationship with Jack but mostly these memoirs are to honor Pug and her recollection of the Day family history, her experiences and her legacy.
Memories are a big part of our lives like the bright red, orange, and faded green yellow colors of leaves in autumn. Memories can linger and/or fade depending on the feelings, thoughts and images we hold in our minds. We create our identities based on our memories. We all have a personal narrative that involves all of the people in our families, friends, work associates, and anyone else who may have touched our lives in a significant or insignificant way.
Like when you first hold someone you love or they held you for the first time. The only thing that mattered in that memory is how loved, wanted and needed you felt in that moment. Or, on the other hand if you felt abused, neglected and insignificant; that memory also lingers reminding us that our needs were not fulfilled or met according to what we know today. For most of us those early memories start with our mother, father, siblings, and/or extended family members that influenced us; either in a way where we focus upon or remember the good times; or perhaps there were more hurtful memories that still impact how we feel or think today. Those are all of our lived experiences. Good, bad or indifferent, we can elect to dwell on the past however we choose; as a lesson learned or something that should not have happened, but it did. Or, we can choose to gain a new level of awareness or understanding.
For me, this attempt at understanding Jack’s family and his background is part of honoring Jack, Jennifer, and Jackie for sharing many experiences, both good and not so good, together. Also, we must always remember that although we might have all shared similar experiences within our family systems, not a single one of us will remember the experience in the same way.
For Pug, this experience is meaningful on many levels as well. First and foremost, we have renewed our friendship of many years. As we both age, Pug being 89 and I am now 77, which is only twelve years difference by the way. Both of us are looking at this time of our lives as the winter of our journey on this earth. Our friendship is like the seasons of life. Spring started when we first met in 1964. That was fifty-six years ago. Summer blossomed into relationships with husbands, raising families, and our personal work careers. Autumn brought the harvest seeing our children grow, having grandchildren, great grandchildren and enjoying the freedom of travel, and adventure. The seasons of life have also brought pain and grief of over loss of loved ones while helping those left behind cope with and work through their challenges. Now it is winter. A time for hibernating (truly helped by the on-going pandemic). Symbolically, this is also the winter of mine and Pug’s journey together. Don’t know how many years we have left. I hope many more. For right now, this time is what we both have.
George Day was Ralph Day’s father, Ralph Day was Jack Day’s father, and Jack Day is the father of my two children, Jennifer and Jackie Day. All three men lived, worked, and died leaving a legacy that this memoir will try to talk about from what we know today. The reason that I focus mainly on these particular “Day” men is due to the fact that they are descendants of my children, my grandchildren and future generations thereof. Also, when I think about three significant male members of the Day generations that are no longer with us; but have had an impact on our lives on so many levels; Pug and I believe those memories are worth savoring.
Jack was my first love, my first husband and the father of our two daughters, Jennifer and Jackie. He died when our daughters were young adults so they never really got to share their on-going journeys as wives and mothers with their dad. My three grandchildren didn’t get to know him either. During the fourteen years that I was married to Jack, I don’t remember much of his family history and/or if it was ever was ever mentioned other than in a passing conversation.
Through my conversations with Pug, I have learned a lot about Jack’s background that I wish I would have known when I was married to him. Would it have made a difference in the outcome of our marriage? I don’t know. Perhaps that is what is great about what we do not know. For it is yet to be learned.
I met Jack when I was eighteen just out of high school. I was working nights at the Dipper Drive In, a fast-food eating place in Layton, Utah. During the day I was enrolled in Steven Henagar’s Business College honing my executive secretary skills which seemed to be the only career fields promoted for girls in those days, other than finding a missionary and getting married. Not being of the Mormon faith, that was never an option for me as I was raised Catholic. Instead my karma/fate was to fall in love with a white handsome marine who had left his own religious programming, although his background was Mormon. As his name was Jack, I used to tease him about being a Jack Mormon. We would sometimes have serious arguments about religion. He would defend the Mormon church and I would defend the Catholic church. Although neither one of us were believers nor practiced either faith during our fourteen-year marriage, we took sides for the sake of argument. I had at least come into a little bit of awareness by that time as I was questioning the hypocrisy of all organized religion and did not want to contaminate my children’s minds. I wanted them to ask questions, seek their own path, and not feel programmed to believe in God in any outer programmed way. That approach has worked well in my life. Particularly in seeking my own truth and respecting the beliefs or non-beliefs of others.
Jack and I got married in Elko, Nevada after my 21st birthday. Nobody went with us. We had previously rented a basement apartment on Gentile St. in Layton. It belonged to the parents of my good friend, Jeanne Reed. We drove to Elko, had more than a few drinks and found a justice of the peace to marry us. The court provided the witnesses for an extra five dollars. Jack continued drinking so instead of staying in a hotel, he insisted on driving back to Layton to our apartment that we had rented. Because he was not able to drive, I drove home from Elko to Layton. Not a great start to the marriage. He was passed out in the back seat.
During those early years of our marriage and throughout his work career, Jack worked at the Defense Depot Ogden. For the first six years I worked for Layton City in the building department. Over the years, I had met some trusted contractors. One of them was Vaughn Fowler. I talked Jack into buying a new home in Aspen East in Layton. Two years into our marriage I remember the joy we both shared buying our new home. Before we were able to move in, we bought a new stereo console, brown mahogany with sliding panels that had a 78 RPM turntable on one side and the AM/FM radio on the other. While awaiting our furniture, we would sit on the floor and listen to country records, drink beer and sing along to songs by Waylen Jennings, Johnny Cash, and Willie Nelson. Both of us had come from family backgrounds with limited financial means so as far as we were concerned, we had arrived.
We had a new home, both had good jobs, and all was going great. For the next two years, we partied with friends when we were not working at our jobs or landscaping our yard. I was twenty-four when our first daughter Jennifer was born, and twenty-eight when Jackie was born. All seemed like the ideal marriage, but not really. We were both new at being parents. He wanted to keep partying and I wanted to juggle work, helping my parents deal with my mother’s increasing bouts of depression, plus being a mother and wife. Over the years, we began to drift apart. Eventually, we could not communicate without blaming or placing unrealistic expectations on one another. Arguments escalated into emotional and physical abuse. Unfortunately for neither one of us, we didn’t realize we were exposing our two little girls to a very unstable home environment.
Since I had known Jack, he was prone to anger quickly, express jealousy that was unfounded, and on occasion abused alcohol until he passed out. I didn’t know anything about the disease of alcoholism other than hearing stories about my own grandfather, who was a violent and abusive alcoholic according to my mother. My mother warned me about Jack. She knew all the signs. But who listens to parents at any age? She frequently warned me that he would make my life miserable. I really don’t know how she knew other than on occasion I wouldn’t come home at night or my clothes smelled like cigarettes and booze.
As time passed the drinking times that used to be fun turned into ugly, sometimes violent episodes. Always followed by remorse or superficial apologies. We tried marital counseling at one time. After the first session, Jack refused to go so we quit altogether and continued living the same chaotic life. As time passed, I saw how the constant instability of our home life was affecting our girls. We separated several times then got back together. But nothing ever changed. We would fall back into the same jealous, angry, hostile patterns of behaviors. It was not all Jack’s fault. I was also very strong willed, defensive, and could hurt him with my words because I knew I couldn’t physically overpower him when he hit me. We finally divorced without ever being able to negotiate a decent outcome about what would be best for our two daughters. It took me a long time to accept responsibility equally for the failed marriage.
There were periods of disappointment and guilt knowing that neither one of us had a clue about how to build a relationship, let alone be nurturing parents and guide our children in a healthy way. In retrospect, there were many great times that we all shared as a family as well. Such as camping, lighting fireworks in the back yard with our neighbors and their children, plus all the day to day life of trying to raise the girls while we both worked full time. In his own way, Jack truly loved the girls and me. He could build me up as readily as he would put me down. The latter usually happened when too much drinking was involved. He was never abusive to the girls as far as I knew. Perhaps emotionally in the later years. I can’t speak for their own experiences with Jack after the divorce. Over the years, he continued to struggle more and more with anger, excessive drinking, and withdrawing into himself for weeks at a time. I remember on several occasions calling his supervisor to make excuses for him not going to work so he wouldn’t lose his job. If I knew then what I know today, I would have made different choices or perhaps found the right kind of help for both of us.
Jack died at the relatively early age of fifty-four, a few months after he retired from the government. He worked for thirty years as a warehouseman/supervisor at the Defense Depot Ogden. What is interesting to note is that Grace, Jack’s mother left Cove, Idaho to go to work at the Defense Depot Ogden during World War II. More later on Grace’s background. It is interesting to view how over the passage of time, different family members are attracted to similar experiences.
Over the years following Jack’s death, Jennifer (oldest daughter), Jackie (youngest daughter) and I mourned or grieved his death in our own ways, but never together. That alone left an empty space in my heart knowing that for some reason I was responsible to help my girls through their grief. Due to the fact that Jack and I were never able to sit down with our daughters to talk about the impact of the divorce as we didn’t have a clue how to do that; upon his death we did not know how to come together to grieve his death. We all grieved separately in our own way.
I did not know how to bridge that gap with my daughters at that time. There was so much animosity that Jack directed toward me as I moved on with my life. Whenever I called to try to talk to him, he would go off on me calling me names and hanging up. I eventually quit trying to communicate with him. Traumatic experiences have a tendency to keep one on hyper vigilance never knowing when the pendulum will swing again. If only the wisdom I have today could be transferred to the past, the outcome would or might be more loving and peaceful with less sorrow, guilt, disappointment and regret.
However, we are here today viewing the past from a whole new lens; one of understanding, lessons learned, and always forgiveness where it is needed. I forgave Jack many times over and over during the past several years. I hope wherever his consciousness/soul is today that he has also forgiven me. There will always be an empty space because Jennifer, Jackie and I didn’t have the opportunity to celebrate, nor grieve his life together after he died. It became an unspoken subject. Perhaps this account of Jack’s family will bring some closure and some healing to all of us. I know that my own heart continues to heal as the wisdom of my experiences becomes clear. Hindsight is wasted if we don’t glean the lesson and apply it to the present moment of time. We can only change our view point about the past. We can never change the past. The events that are or will be related may cause concern, sometimes embarrassment, anger, and perhaps disbelief. However, Pug and I have come to a mutual understanding that we can both explore our past from many different perspectives using the wisdom that we have learned from all of our lived experiences. It is with this heartfelt connection between two women who have been friends for fifty-five years that we share some tidbits of what has made us who we are today.
Jack’s sister, Jane Day Moyer, is the oldest sibling and my good friend of fifty-five years. It is she who began to give me more details about the Day family history and where they came from. Jane and I often talked about the differences between the “Day” families in both Idaho and Utah. My curiosity was mostly about the origins of the Day family from Idaho. It seemed so mysterious to me as none of the family members talked much about their family history or where they came from.
Jane told me that in the earlier years, the family lived in Cove, Idaho and were members of the Mormon church. At some point, Jack’s dad, Ralph Day, moved the family to Ogden, Utah where he worked at the Defense Depot Ogden. In his later years he was a retired army veteran.
Jane also explained that Jack had two other sisters, not including herself. Grace Day was the youngest sibling who married a man named Spencer. After Jack’s death, Grace came to live with Jennifer and her family for a time. Jack’s sister, Lois, was married and lived in Colorado.
Out of the way and let the pendulum keep swinging.” For some reason this image really stuck in my mind as I finally moved in the direction of getting out of the way of the repeated insanity of going back into the relationship over and over and expecting different results. Over the years when I remember my relationship with Ted, I love that I developed a fond appreciation for the wise counsel and his witty and ironic sense of humor. I remember Jane with lots of fondness. She was always there for me, provided great care for Jennifer and never took sides. I loved her reddish-brown hair against her fair complexion. She also always had a voice of reason. She was a good mother, great house keeper, friend and wife.
Jack’s older sister Lynn was also someone I truly admired. She was a “tough old broad” as they say. But to me Lynn was always kind, loving and accepting. I have many memories of Lynn. She and “Uncle Russ” (Lynn’s husband) ran the Glide Inn, a place that Jack and I frequented often to play pool, drink beer, and gather with like-minded characters who often showed their true colors under the influence of too much alcohol. It was during these frequent gatherings at the Glide Inn that Jack would sometimes become abusive and aggressive toward me when he had too much to drink.
However, Lynn was always there ready to defend me. Sometimes with threating Jack with a pool cue and escorting him out of the bar. I remember visiting Lynn when she was in the hospital during the last season of her life. She was still pissed off at Jack for how he treated me. I have many memories of good times shared going to bars where Russ and Lynn hung out. Often Russ would play music with the band “The Rustlers”. I used to like to request songs. He would always acknowledge me. I remember Lynn’s children that I got to know over the years. Kris, the oldest had wisdom beyond her years. She took care of everybody. I saw Kris a few years ago when I visited Utah. We had a wonderful time reconnecting. She always has a special place in my heart. I remember Candy, an amazing and strongly dispositioned young girl. I remember Scott with his blond hair and high energy. Sadly, I learned later that he died at an early age. I remember Leslie. Jack and I tended Leslie when she was a new born infant, maybe two weeks old. I was dating Jack at the time. I think Leslie was the first baby I ever held, besides my little brother Floyd. Floyd died in June. He was found dead in his home after several days when nobody had heard from him. Interestingly enough, and yet another similarity; Jack was found dead in his trailer after a few days when his buddies had not heard from him. Unfortunately, I did not get to know Candy, Scott, and Leslie over the years. There are too many memories to mention that made up my relationship with Lynn. But mostly I admired her for her strength, fortitude, and not being afraid to stand up to anybody, male or female.
Pug is one of George Day’s granddaughters, one of Ralph Day’s daughters, and one of Jack Day’s sisters. That would make her my sister in law since I was once married to her brother, Jack Day. She is my children’s Aunt Pug, and my grandchildren’s Great Aunt Pug. She has been a devoted wife, a supportive mother and a loving grandmother and great grandmother. She is an aunt, and friend, and basically an amazing person.
Of the Day family including my first husband Jack, Pug was the family member with whom I have developed and retained a friendship with over a period of fifty-six years. No matter where we found ourselves as we moved from place to place separately, we always found time to call once in a big while and get caught up. For Pug and me time does not exist in our friendship. We just pick up where we left of sharing experiences, stories related to what the latest development may be for either one of us, or whatever else we want to talk about. No topic is excluded. We sometimes agree to disagree. We usually share similar perspectives on many subjects to include religion, politics, friendships, family, and especially developing tolerance with others who hold limited viewpoints.
The richness of this relationship has really come to light since we have been connecting once a week during this time of the Covid-19 pandemic. Knowing Pug to me has been an enriching experience on so many levels. Her story is what is important to convey. Because through her story I have been able to glean a better understanding about Jack’s family, the rich history, the struggles and the resiliency that we all face as human beings.
Pug is one of the most amazing human beings I have ever met. Believe me when I say that after seventy-seven years; forty of which I have worked in the field of mental health and social work, I have met lots and lots of characters. Pug brings a joy to life that we are all meant to experience whether we go through hell or not. Pug is a believer in recognizing that everybody has faults combined with the potential to overcome whatever life brings to you. I know this to be true by knowing more about her background as we share our stories.
I will refer once more to the saying by T.S. Elliot. “We shall not cease from exploring and the end to our exploring is to arrive where we started and know that place for the first time.” Too many of us do not want to look at our past because it is too painful to go there. Yet, when we allow ourselves to view our lives like a tapestry that we continue to weave in order to find that inherent place of peace and wholeness within ourselves; we then can go back to where we started and know that place for the first time, the second time, or even the third time.
For example, when I think that what I once believed was a terrible mistake for staying in a marriage with abuse, domestic violence, and co-dependency; now I can see all of those years and the years that followed as lessons through which to gain awareness, raise my consciousness, and to be true and kind to myself instead of trying to prove that I am worthy of deserving happiness. Other people cannot make you happy. I also learned that I don’t have the power to make others happy. That responsibility belongs to each individual. If we don’t learn how to be happy within ourselves, we cannot give what we do not possess. Relationships often break up because one or the other person has unrealistic expectations from the other that aren’t being met. When both parties dance to that tune, the end result is pretty obvious. That much I have learned.
Pug has shared some of the highlights that she remembers. There are probably many more details that others can bring to light.
The Day family came from High Creek and Cove, Utah. Grace and Ralph met at a dance in Preston, Idaho. Ralph lived in High Creek, Utah in the mountains in a huge farmhouse with his parents, George and Steemy (Christine) Saxton Day. After he married Grace, they both lived with his parents. The younger brother, Glen who married young, lived in the other house on the property. When George Day died, he split his thirty-acre farm among his three sons. Ralph sold his share and bought a farm in Cove. During their years in Cove, the family consisted of Ralph, Grace, Lynn, Pug, Ted, and Jack.
Ralph and Grace carved out a life for their children in Cove. They had other couple friends with whom they enjoyed camping, playing cards, and going to church. Mostly, Grace and the children attended church. Ralph would go if there was something special like a baptism of one of his children; always sitting in the back row. He loved his own babies. He used to hold his baby that was getting baptized on his lap in the back of the church until it was time for him to bring the baby to Grace at the front of the church. He would play and coo with the baby to keep it quiet. Grace taught primary as well as belonged to the church choir, the Singing Mothers. Pug once received a bible with her name engrossed for perfect church attendance for five years.
Grace and Ralph loved to dance. Pug said, “My mother was a doll, really cute little redhead, fingernails always painted. She loved to wear low neck clothing, spiked hills with tight waisted flare skirts so she could twirl when she danced.” I would have loved to have known Grace back then.
Grace took care of the farm while Ralph worked at the sugar factory during the winter as did most of the farmers in the community. Pug remembers Grace milking and feeding the cows. Pug would help with stripping the teats. That was her job. None of the other kids helped with the farm work. Lynn who was older helped take care of the household duties. The boys were too young to help out. Pug also remembers being awakened more than once by her dad in the middle of the night to help with the birthing of calves. When a calf was in a life-threatening position in the birth canal, Pug would reach in and help to turn the calf because her small arms were needed to do the job.
Pug remembers a time when Ralph got furious with her and Lynn. Jack was two years old. Lynn and Pug would stand him on top of a huge scratching post. Pug would hold him steady while Lynn on horseback would run by, grab him by the arm and put him behind her on the saddle. One day it happened. As Lynn grabbed him, she broke Jack’s arm. Ralph was furious. He threatened Lynn and Pug. “If you stand my boy on that post one more time, one or both of you will be draped over that post.”
Ralph also had a great sense of humor. Pug recalls some of the occasions when he used his dry sometimes sarcastic humor. Ralph would never answer the phone when it rang. One day Vaughn called for Pug. The phone kept ringing. Finally, Ralph answered it. It was Vaughn asking if Pug was home. Ralph replied. “Yes, she is.” Then hung up. When Pug asked who was on the phone, he said it was Vaughn. “So why did you hang up?” Pug asked. “Because he asked if you were home. He didn’t say he wanted to talk to you.” Vaughn never called the house again.
There was another occasion when Lynn started dating Ray, her first husband to be. She and Ray were sitting on the couch one evening. Ralph walked into the room in his boxer shorts with his skinny white toothpick legs showing. He started asking Ray questions. “What’s your name?” “Where do you live?” To which Ray responded. “My name is Ray and I live in Kaysville.” Ralph then said. “If I were you, I would get my ass off that couch because it is a long way to Kaysville.”
Pug remembers a time when her boys were very young. Being boys and all, they were always getting dirty. She carried a wash cloth everywhere so she could keep wiping their face and hands. One day Ralph said to her. “Throw that damn wash cloth away. You have to eat so much dirt during your life there is no sense cramming it in at the last days.”
There was a time when Ralph was driving to Richmond. Pug remembers that he stopped when he saw a hitchhiker as they drove through Brigham. Ralph asked the hitchhiker if he was going to Logan. To which the hitchhiker replied “yes.” Ralph drove off. Pug asked him why he didn’t give him a ride. Ralph replied. “He didn’t ask for one.”
Then there was Ralph’s infamous nickname given to Pug’s oldest son, Glen. One day while Glen was playing baseball, a kid’s dad yelled to him from the dugout. “You dumb dumb Day.” Glen came home to his mother upset and told her what had happened. She told him to ignore it. When Ralph found out about the incident, he started yelling from the window at the kid’s dad, “You dumb dumb.” This nickname stuck with Glen all his life.
Jack was born in 1935 in Richmond. Pug remembers when Jack was young, she and Lynn would put him in the hay wagon in the hay loft and pull him around. She remembers Jack riding a big yellow cat tractor that he loved. Jack went to school in Richmond and Cove and later went to high school in Logan and eventually, LDS Business College. Pug remembers going to school with Jack and watching him play basketball in high school. She remembers that Jack was on the debate team. He liked to debate and was very smart.
Jack was very quiet and shy when young. He was very creative. He built airplanes and cars. Pug remembers that Jack was very good at building things. He was always building something. Jack had a good sense of humor but was reserved. Pug remembers Jack as a good brother. She remembers that he was protective of his sisters.
Pug was very close to Jack. She remembers that they would often spend time together. They would go fishing, hunting, and camping. Pug remembers that Jack was very good at fixing things. She remembers that Jack was very kind to her.
Jack moved away from Cove and eventually ended up in Utah and later in Colorado. Pug remembers that Jack struggled with alcohol. She remembers that he was not always easy to get along with. Pug remembers that Jack died alone in his trailer in 2010. Pug was very sad about his death. She remembers that Jack was a complicated man but loved him anyway.
Pug has been an important part of Jack’s life and the Day family. She has been a source of strength and love for the family. She has been a witness to the struggles and triumphs of the Day family. She has been a friend to me and I cherish our friendship. Pug is an amazing woman who has lived a full life and has much to teach us about family, love, and resilience.
As the holiday season approaches, we send loving heartfelt blessings and best wishes for a safe and happy journey to all of our loved ones. Enjoy each moment!
Pug and Helen
Ralph stayed in Verdeland Park where they lived as a family after the divorce for two or three years. Grace, Jack and David moved to a house behind the Signal Café in Layton. Ted had joined the service. I met Jack years after his parents had divorced. He seemed to dwell on childhood events that didn’t go well for him. He remembers waiting all day for his dad to pick him up to go fishing. Ralph would never show up. Jack would sit by the window looking out to see if his dad was coming to get him. Jack also had lots of anger and resentment about Grace leaving him and David with Pug when she moved to California.
Over the years I think he made peace with Grace. They seemed to have a cordial and respectful relationship. His father on the other hand, Jack rarely mentioned him other than how he died. Pug remembers that Ralph had escalated his already well-ingrained drinking habit after the divorce. He moved back and forth from Richmond for a while, moved to Las Vegas, then to Wyoming where he befriended the local sheriff who became one of Ralph’s best buddies. In fact, the sheriff had friends that he would engage to ensure that Ralph had a way to get to the bar and back to his apartment.
As his health deteriorated due to drinking and other associated health problems, the sheriff eventually contacted Bonnie and Dot (Ralph’s sisters) to come and get Ralph because he was very sick. Bonnie and Dot drove from Preston, ID to Wyoming to pick him up. When they arrived, they were shocked to see Ralph’s condition. They put him in a sleeping bag and laid him on the back seat of the car. He was awfully sick. The sheriff warned the girls that because they would be crossing three state lines, they needed to ensure not to stop. The sheriff knew that Ralph would not make the trip.
Sure enough, Ralph died before they reached the Idaho state line. Dot and Bonnie were beside themselves of course. Teary and distraught they drove Ralph’s dead body in the sleeping bag the rest of the way to Preston. Ralph’s body was laid to rest in a cemetery in Richmond. The family gathered for Ralph’s funeral in Cove.
Pug remembers that Ralph loved Grace to death. After he left the state, Pug had three letters from him. In each letter he would always ask, “How’s my redhead.”
As I reflect on what I have learned about Ralph, he was a lot like Jack. Jack could be very loving, had a funny sense of humor at times; but was also prone to anger quickly. Like his dad, he also took to drinking to the point where it became problematic. They had their good qualities, lived their lives as they chose, and will be remembered by those who loved them.
My relationship with Grace was very meaningful on many levels. She was always very gracious, came by and visited the girls; always taking pictures and sharing stories. I loved all those times during the family picnics when she would bring her fried chicken and potato salad. Her friend Warren also had a big presence in my life and the life of my two girls. One of the most treasured memories I have of Pug and Grace was their unconditional love and support of me during a very stressful time in my life.
I worked full-time for the Army ROTC Detachment at Weber State College, provided support to my mother who was usually very depressed and challenged with my younger brothers and sisters, plus tried to be a mom and wife with the limited skills that I had at that time. To say the least, my battery ran out. I had an emotional breakdown that landed me in the hospital for a week. It was during the hospitalization that I realized I had to start taking better care of myself. Prior to that time, I had been operating on auto pilot thinking I was super woman. In retrospect, that was a significant landmark in my life as I began to see myself from a different lens.
I remember that Pug and Grace asked me to take golf lessons with them. Although I had no clue about golfing, I really enjoyed being with both of them. They kept encouraging me. Grace also taught me how to macramé. I recall making a kitchen curtain with her instructions. That was an especially fond memory of doing something creative. Over the years, we golfed together in a women’s association, sharing our friendship, laughter, and stories. I treasure those memories on and off the golf course with Grace and Pug.
Grace’s upbringing was not that easy. She lost her mother at the age of nine. She was one of six siblings; Alice, Herman, Hazel, Niva and Velma. Grace’s real name was Velva, but she never liked nor used that name. Her dad’s name was Aaron Saxton. He was a shoemaker who lived all his life and eventually died in Smithfield. After Grace’s mom’s death, Aaron married a woman with six children, four boys and two girls. Pug recalls that Grace hated her. She thought of her as being fat and lazy. She made the girls do all the work. The boys were spoiled rotten. One of the sadder experiences that Grace and her sisters endured during that time was the sexual abuse by the stepbrothers.
During her teen years, Grace ran away from home. She went to work at a Chinese restaurant in Preston, Idaho. The Chinese family who owned the restaurant let her sleep in the back room on a sack of rice. They would deduct rent from her wages. Her father, Aaron would come by often to try to take her back home. Grace’s sister Alice ended up marrying the oldest stepbrother, the nicer one. Grace had lots of rage at her stepmother for not protecting the girls. When Grace’s dad died, she refused to speak with the stepmother saying, “I wouldn’t spit on her if she was on fire.” Those deep-rooted feelings of not being protected from the abuse of her stepbrothers was the source of pain and hatred toward the stepmother.
Herman was Grace’s brother. Herman’s daughter Gayle was married to Larry Miller, the owner of the Jazz ball team. Pug recalls that Gayle showed up to the funeral wearing a fur coat. Grace was close to all her sisters, but she did not like Gayle’s mother, Herman’s wife.
I did not have much contact with Grace after I quit golfing with the Layton group. My life had taken another turn completely. I remarried, went back to college to pursue my education, and moved out of Layton.
Pug recalls getting a call from her. “Something bad is happening. I was sitting at the kitchen table. Suddenly I started throwing up. Now I have an awful headache.” Pug immediately went to her trailer. He was laying on the couch. Pug could not lift her. She called Ted to come and help. They rushed her to the hospital. She had suffered a stroke. Grace was sent to a rehab care center. She was going to be there for a few weeks. However, the next day she was rushed to the hospital. Pug remembers driving to the hospital. Lynn, Ted, and Kara met her at the gate. Grace had already died. It was indeed a great loss of a great mother, grandmother, and friend to many. After all the arrangements, the family gathered at Pug’s home to pay respects.
I will always remember Grace fondly. If I could say something to her today it would be. “Grace, you were truly a good friend. Even throughout my going back and forth into the relationship with Jack, you never took sides. I had so much fun golfing with you. We had some great laughs! Also, thank you for teaching me how to Macrame. I loved that I could make a curtain for the kitchen. I know wherever your soul is traveling, you are expanding always in awareness like you did while you were alive.”
Of all the Day siblings, Ted, Lynn, Jack, and David, it was with Pug that I continued a friendship over the years. It is because I have so admired her tenacity and strength that I want my children and others in the family system to know more about Pug. Pug is a tapestry of joy, sorrow, loss, and resilience. She cares for others and brings humor to the forefront of so many situations.
What is most amazing is that she took on the responsibility of wife and mother at a very early age. Relationships are the most important part of her life. She cherishes her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and all the family members that her children and grandchildren have brought into her family circle. She was married twice. The second marriage with her late husband Burt Kikuchi, was the true love of her life. They had one amazing daughter together. They named her Kara. Pug and Vaughn had four children, Doug, Wayne, Donny and Shannon.
Pug relates some of her experiences early on with her first husband Vaughn. She was fourteen. He was sixteen when they got together. Vaughn got into some trouble for helping one of his friends rob a liquor store. He was sentenced to spend time in reform school. Meanwhile, Pug at age fourteen found out that she was pregnant. When Vaughn’s mother found out, she immediately went to court to get Vaughn out of reform school so he could accept his responsibility. Vaughn and Pug went to Elko, Nevada and got married. Elko was a popular place to get married.
Doug was born a few months later at the old farmhouse in West Layton where they lived with all of Vaughn’s family. Pug remembers the pastures where she and Vaughn would gather mushrooms and watercress from the banks that ran in back of the house. Vaughn’s dad would milk cows so there was plenty of milk for Doug. She also recalls hunting peasants for their meals as well tending a young onion patch that was on the property.
Being young parents had its own set of stressful experiences. Pug recalls a time when Doug was nine months old, Vaughn said he was going to get coal for the stove. Instead he drove his car to the Bamberger station to get a ticket to go to California. He did not have money for the ticket so he traded his car to the station owner for the ticket. Pug was left with Vaughn’s family. She was pregnant with Wayne at the time. Ralph came to get her and Doug. She went back home to live with Ralph and Grace.
Meanwhile, Vaughn’s sister went to California and brought him back. Pug and Vaughn again tried to work things out. Vaughn went to work at Glades Candy Factory in Salt Lake City. Both of them lived in SLC with Doug. Every weekend they would hitch rides from Salt Lake to Clearfield to eat at Vaughn’s moms’ home and take a few groceries back to Salt Lake with them.
Vaughn’s mother, Rosie Carlos was a God sent. She had twelve children, six boys and six girls. She loved and spoiled every one of them. She was a nurturing mother and grandmother figure in Pug’s life and the lives of her children for many, many years. She was always there with food, prepared meals and helped with the care of the children.
Wayne was born next. When he was old enough to leave with a caretaker, Pug went to work to help provide for the little family. There were three years between Wayne and Donny. Her first job was at the Woods Cross cannery. Then she later worked at the Naval Base. Pug remembers one of her jobs was painting the word “TRASH” on giant garbage cans. She remembers that she had to use yellow paint.
She also made her way into working at the Glades Candy Factory for a while. Later when Hill Air Force Base started a sheet metal program, Pug and Vaughn got better paying jobs working for the government. Pug’s job was working with a journeyman on B-26 airplane wings. Pug would drill holes, attach screws and all other tasks assigned by her mentor. She worked swing shift all the time with mostly men. Sometimes she would go out for drinks with the guys. One of the men she worked with later married her good friend, Karen Kincaid. This fact was discovered accidentally when they were bowling years later and Karen introduced him to Pug. It was quite a surprise for him and for Pug. Pug was still working at Hill Air Force Base when Donny was born. She recalls a time when she had an accident that resulted in a broken leg. Her boss would send a car to pick her up every morning and bring her to work. She would sit in the first aid room and read books until she recovered.
Pug and Vaughn were married for twenty-two years. They were young parents raising four children; Doug, Wayne, Donny, and their youngest and only daughter, Shan. Pug remembers her home being the one where people that needed a place to stay were always welcome. When Grace moved to California, she left Jack and David with Pug and Vaughn. At that time, there were six young children in their home. Grace also moved in and out of Pug’s home when she needed a place to stay. Lynn and Russ lived with Pug on more than one occasion. But nothing lasts forever.
Pug and Vaughn were divorced after Vaughn’s behaviors could no longer be tolerated. It was a time of immense heartbreak for Pug and their children. They tried to cope with it as best as they could. Pug’s strength and determination to keep her children safe and protected has always been her stronghold. Pug and Vaughn moved on with their lives. Unfortunately, Vaughn chose to end his prematurely by committing suicide. That was another harrowing and challenging time for the family. Pug once more had to gather strength to help her children deal with their father’s suicide.
But Pug was to still face her greatest pain yet; the loss of two of her precious children, Donny and Shan. But the universe has a way of bringing people into our lives that are like angels to help share the pain, grief, and cruelty that life brings. For Pug, it was here dear friend, Burt Kikuchi.
Pug, Burt, and Vaughn were long-time friends. Pug and Burt enjoyed bowling, traveled to bowling tournaments out of state. All three were good buddies. Vaughn always encouraged Pug to go to tournaments with Burt. Of course, Burt always asked Vaughn if it was ok. Burt was a long-time true and respectful friend. Pug remembers one time when Burt invited her to a bowling tournament out of state. She told him that she could not afford it. He said he would pay for the room with separate beds, of course. Then, he added. “You can’t drink because I can only afford beer for one of us.”
Pug remembers Burt was constantly by her side at Vaughn’s funeral. He was also grieving the loss of his long-time friend Vaughn, as well as all that had happened during the past few years as he supported Pug through her pain and heart ache.
Burt had his share of family life experiences. Starting with his mother having a stroke during childbirth. As an infant he was handed to a woman who was part of the Japanese community. She had him for six months. She became ill then give him to Botchan (the grandmother); but not Burt’s blood relative. She raised him until age nine. Burt thought Botchan was his mother.
One day he came home from school and called Botchan “misses”. Somebody had told him she was not his real mother. Botchan then took him to his mom and dad. It was a very tearful sad experience for both Burt and Botchan. Burt had two older sisters and three older brothers that lived with his parents. Because his mom could not care for him after he was born, Burt had always lived with Botchan.
His other siblings lived with his mother and father. The father took care of Burt’s mother throughout her lingering illness plus looked after the other children. After Botchan took Burt to live with his parents, he had to live in a small room in the back of the house with two of his brothers. As the years passed, Burt was away from home often. He served his country in the Army, was involved in bowling and met many friends. After he retired, he met Pug. They married and shared many wonderful years together.
This glimpse of the Day family illustrates a rich history filled with challenges, love, and resilience. Pug’s story is a testament to the enduring spirit of family, friendship, and the strength found in community support. Her journey through hardship and joy reflects the broader tapestry of family life, filled with triumphs and losses, laughter and tears.
Pug knew that marrying her best friend would make him the happiest person in the world because he had always had a thing for Pug although being the gentleman that he was; he never once let her know while she was still with Vaughn, nor for a long time after Vaughn’s death.
She also knew that a life with Burt would always be calm and safe. Thus, began their journey together as husband and wife.
Burt and Grace were the best of friends also. They could talk forever sharing each other’s extensive knowledge about flowers and plants. She totally trusted and loved him. In Grace’s will, she left everything in Burt’s name. She told Pug that Burt was the only person she would trust to manage her will. Of course, Pug agreed!
On May 30, 1971, Pug and Burt were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. They named her Kara. I had also just had my second daughter Jackie on May 3, 1971. I remember going to family picnics where both little infants were in baby carriers. Everybody wants to hold and spoil the babies. My first daughter Jennifer was three at the time. She and Kara had very similar features. There are baby pictures when I wasn’t sure which one was which.
Kara brought another level of joy to Pug and Burt’s life. As she developed, she became her daddy’s girl. They were the main team. Pug knew she was the third person in the triad while loving that Burt was having such an amazing experience being a father for the first time.
All through school, Kara was very interested in sports. Baseball, Soccer, and Basketball. In high school she got involved in school governance. She was elected senior class president by her peers. Pug remembers Kara always being very strong-willed. One day the senior advisor called Pug into her office. She complained that Kara would not do what she was asked to do. Pug responded that since Kara and the other senior officers were elected by their peers; then it should be their peers that guide their decisions. What a mom!! Kara had many friends, both male and female. Burt loved his role in supporting Kara in her extracurricular activities, both as class president and in her sports activities.
Pug and Burt had a van that they used for transporting Kara and her team members to games and tournaments in Nevada, Idaho, and Wyoming. Kara’s team mates became part of Pug and Burt’s family as the other parents would simply drop them off knowing their girls were in good hands. All of the team members were great competitors. Kara was the goalie for the team. They won all or most of their tournaments.
Pug recalls with humor times when they traveled together. One time one of the girls made the comment, “when I’m on the rag, my face breaks out.” Kara immediately reprimanded her. “Hey, this is a family van.” To which her friend replied. “I know I am part of the family.”
Another time some of girls in the van, being teenage girls and all, mooned the boys from another sports team as they ran by their van. Burt immediately jumped out of the van to make sure nobody saw them.
All of Kara’s team mates had a great rapport with and respected Burt. Pug recalls, they had a little ritual after they broke up from the huddle. They would all go past Burt and pinch his bum. He definitely was a great sport. Burt retired the last half year of Kara’s senior year so he could be more available for whatever she needed and/or wanted! He loved playing that supportive dad role. He was always at school getting involved and helping out.
Kara finished high school with her site set on college. She moved to Salt Lake City to attend the University of Utah (my alma mater also). She pursued a career in the medical field. Pug was still working at the credit union. Burt spent lots of his time gardening. Two years later, Pug retired. They purchased a fifth-wheel motor home. The plan was to start traveling. That they certainly did. Their first trip with four other couples was to Alaska. Pug had traveled there before by airplane to see Doug and his family. But this time it was road travel with good friends. They would make that trip again later on as they made their dream come true to hit the road, see different places, and meet many new friends.
It so happened that Ted and Jane belonged to a camper club in Texas. Ted made a referral so that Burt and Pug could apply for membership. That way they would have a home base. Ironically, Ted and Jane never went there. But they did travel with Burt and Pug on other occasions throughout their twenty-two years on the road.
Pug has so many amazing memories of the adventures that she and Burt had as they embarked on their retirement life together. Too many to mention them all here. Texas was always their home base. Every year during the month of October, friends from all over the country would meet in Texas for two months. They were like a giant family of traveling friends from many different backgrounds and geographical locations.
Burt and Pug would go to the New Mexico vineyards to bring the supply of wine. I asked Pug if they had to rent to U-Haul for the wine ��. In addition, if they drove through Green River they would load up with watermelons. Other friends would bring whatever they wanted to share with their community of friends. Each year after the two months of being in their home base in Texas where they revived old acquaintances, made new friends, enjoyed great food, yummy New Mexico wine and shared many, many conversations; everyone would leave the Texas home base. Burt and Pug would pack up and travel to other places like Kentucky, Arkansas, etc.
The amazing relationship that Pug and Burt had developed over the years was magnetic to so many other friends on the road. Pug with her out-going humor and gift of gab, and Burt with his peaceful, calm, but dry sense of humor created a perfect blend for developing meaningful friendships with whomever they met.
Pug still has contact with many of the friends they both met during their travels. All the great times together continued to solidify their love, trust, respect and forever companionship with one another. However, for all of us having this human experience, we learn that life teaches us through the best of times and the worst of times. I think some literary giant once said something like that. But it totally makes sense based on my own life experiences.
One of those worst of time experiences that came into Pug’s, Kara/Carrie’s and their children’s life; plus, all of Pug and Burt’s family, friends, grandchildren, great grandchildren, spouses, extended family, etc. came in the form of Burt being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Basically, every single soul that Burt and Pug touched in this lifetime was impacted by the slow onset and eventual progression of the disease.
Through my conversations with Pug, I want to be extremely sensitive as the writer to ensure that what is shared here is what Pug wants to share and feels comfortable doing so. From my perspective, I have been through the distressing experience of having loved ones with this disease. My own mother suffered greatly at the end of her life. We suffered more because she did not remember us. I just lost my half-sister in July. She had suffered from the disease for ten years. My closest and dearest friend Liz also endured caretaking her dad for ten years after he was diagnosed. He was like a family member to me.
Some of the early signs that Pug remembers when she goes back to their travel experiences was the fact that Bert would lose sight of the direction he was supposed to be traveling. When Pug would mention that they were not going the right way, he would insist on being right. Those types if incidents increased over time. She also remembers a time when they were in Utah. She and Kris had gone out to dinner because Kris was moving out of state. When she and Kris returned, Burt had unhooked everything getting ready to get on the road. When Pug asked him what he was doing. He said. “I thought we were leaving because you said good-bye to Kris.” I am sure that Pug and Kara both have some memories of the early onset of the disease. Kara and Carrie were an amazingly great support to Pug and Burt throughout.
The fortunate part of Burt having this experience is the fact that Pug, Kara and Carrie were on top of everything. They knew when it was time to begin making different plans. Pug continued driving for some time after Burt started showing symptoms; but then she had a stroke ten years ago and was no longer able to continue at her previous pace.
The next few years would entail Burt and Pug moving in with Kara, Carrie and their two children in Tacoma, Washington. Those years were filled with lots of joy and sorrow as Burt’s condition worsened; but on the other hand, he experienced periods of joy he had never had with his two grandsons, living with Kara and Carrie, and continuing to love his beloved Pug. It is interesting when somebody like Burt who was always, kind, introverted, and respectful; but not necessarily demonstrative would during his last years continually tell Pug how much he loved her. This would happen every day, every time she passed by him. Pug remembers when his sister came to visit him. His sister asked him. “Are you happy?” He replied pointing at Pug. “Look at her, she loves me and I love her.” His sister then said. “I was asking if you are happy here in Washington. To which he replied. “I’m happy wherever she is.” Pointing to Pug again. “She gave me a beautiful daughter.” Burt was always a loving soul. He showed it in so many ways to his loved ones and to everybody he touched.
Pug recalls with loving memories how much she really grew to love Burt more and more over the years. One of Burt’s endearing qualities is that he never gave up on any relationship. He lived his life with unconditional acceptance of everyone he knew and loved. He never made nor had unreasonable expectations of others, especially Pug. That made Pug love him even more. He totally accepted all of Pug’s family, friends, in-laws, and basically everyone. During the later years, when Kara and Carrie decided it was time to move Burt to Seattle because his illness was progressing to the point where Pug could not take care of him, he said he would not go unless Pug went with him. At that time Pug was also suffering from pneumonia. Burt left a beautiful legacy that Pug and all his family and friends will cherish throughout the remainder of their lives.
During this time of COVID-19, Pug is living in Roy. Kara and Carrie and their two boys live in Salt Lake City. It is hard for Pug not to see her grandchildren and great grandchildren as she has always had a very close relationship with all of them. Everyone is hopeful that a vaccine will be available soon so that families can once more gather without fear of community spread. Meanwhile, texting, calling, and face timing will have to suffice.
It has been one of my great privileges of my life to share this experience with Pug. We have come to a good stopping point for now. Who knows? Perhaps in the future, we will expand into more detailed experiences about each of Pug’s and my adult children and their family adventures.
As the holiday season approaches, we send loving heartfelt blessings and best wishes for a safe and happy journey to all of our loved ones. Enjoy each moment!
Pug and Helen